The Evolution of Intimacy by Karren Kae Kearney

Author:Karren Kae Kearney
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
Published: 2019-03-06T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 11

Music, Movies & M&Ms

THE MORNING AFTER Annette’s funeral brought back the memory of the late night phone call from Sharron. I heard Patrick snoring softly. The funeral had exhausted both of us. My thoughts turned to Matt, wondering if he had been placed in a temporary foster home or still at the DHS group home. My mind wanted to think about Annette, but the pain ran too deep. My 12-step Recovery Program has a saying, “If you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.”

But doing nothing gave me too much time to think. I needed a positive thought to motivate and inspire me. Thank God my Higher Power gave me another 12-step saying, “Just do the Next Right Action or Indicated Thing.” Oh yes, get up, brush my teeth, take a shower, put on my clothes and get moving. Stay ahead of the pain and grief, and don’t think about Annette. You have plenty of time for grief later.

Once in the safety of the shower, with the power of a 1000 jetting drops of hot water pulsating on my body, my tears released themselves with equal force, flooding the shower floor. Grief is such a private endeavor and begs to be shielded from vulnerability and intimacy. It rips you open to your core and leaves no instructions on how to put you back together. Every thought and everything known about life or self had changed forever by the memory of that phone call less than a week before. Grief had to be handled through God because my pay grade didn’t reach that level. My tears stopped with the realization the hot water had turned cold. Turn off the water. Reach for a towel, and accept grief will have its way with you.

Patrick in the meantime, had gotten out of bed and made a French press pot of decaf Sumatra for me. The familiarity of the taste of the coffee grounded my brain, no pun intended. It brought me back to a piece of myself lost in Bakersfield. I looked out our windows in the front room, which always brought me peace, and held onto hope. The rest of the days and weeks that followed were a blur and mixed with a range of familiar and not so familiar emotions.

I went through the motions of life by returning to my 12-step food related meetings, doing what I thought others might expect of me and shielding my heart and emotions until they could be gently uncovered. The many messages of “I am sorry for your loss” and “Is there anything I can do?” fell on deaf ears. I watched myself playing the part of the grieving sister, just phoning in performances. The pain and grief, the depth of my loss, would not be dealt with or forced. Grief will be welcomed in my own time.

Besides the refuge of the shower, the darkness of the Rialto Theater brought me much relief. The first movie we saw after returning home from Bakersfield

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.